Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
