A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
