She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
