I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
