On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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