Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
