I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
