dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
