I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my being single is dangerous.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
