Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
