remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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