last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
