That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
