I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You ate ashes out of my bong
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
