Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
