Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's always time for handjobs
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
