SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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