I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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