Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
