Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
