I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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