I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
