Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
