I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
