Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
