Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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