he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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