i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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