I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
