all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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