remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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