I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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