i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I am naked and annoyed.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
