Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He felt like a one man threesome
So squirting runs in the family.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
