A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Panties = found
Randomize
