I'm gonna have a badass scar
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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