Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
