So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
