I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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