wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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