I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
