They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
