she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
