remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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