is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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