it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
