Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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