So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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