My liver just broke up with me...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
God gave him joint rollers for hands
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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