Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
