woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
